Psychological Divorce

Equally important to the legal divorce, is the psychological divorce. I have found over the years that the psychological divorce can occur at one of three points, if at all. In many cases, one person has become psychologically divorced from his or her spouse and is ready to move on. Often this is the person who files first, though not always. I have many cases where the person who wants out, whether because of issues involving another man or another woman, alcohol, sometimes violence, or drugs, will push the other spouse to the point where he or she has to file. Then the person who really wanted out, will say to friends or relatives, "I didn't want this; look at what he/she is doing to me." This is all psychological manipulation.

If both spouses have psychologically reached a point that the marriage is over, and they have achieved a psychological divorce, then the legal process is very, very simple, because both parties want out and both parties are prepared to move on.

When one or both parties have not reached a psychological point where they are ready to get divorced and let go, prolonged legal battles over spousal support, bills and debt, child custody and parenting time, and many other issues can take place.

The final, and worst situation, is where one or both parties never moves on, and through love or hate, they want to keep fighting over the years, with battles over custody, parenting time, support related issues, and even property issues that go on years after the divorce has become final, because someone cannot let go. These are the most high conflict situations. They are nightmares where people go through numerous court appearances, often many attorneys, spending thousands and thousands of dollars, to just beat each other senseless, because one or both parties cannot move on and start healing and rebuilding his or her life.

As attorneys, I believe we should look at the psychological dynamics of our cases, not just the legal aspects. This is important for our clients. Counseling and interventions from outsiders such as therapists, parenting coordinators, and child guardians becomes necessary. These thoughts are based on years of observation as a practitioner in the area of divorce, child custody, and other family law related matters.